GOOD NEWS, Reader: Today I took a break from reorganizing shelves at the used book store to fill in the Science Fiction/ Fantasy section with some truly pulptastic paperbacks.
Now you may be wondering, "But Jennifer, what does this have to do with ME? I was promised good news and, frankly, how you spend your time at the book store does not really affect me in any way whatsoever."
Ah, but that is where you are wrong, very wrong indeed, Dear Reader, because I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND with some of the gems I discovered. Let's hand out some totally random and meaningless awards, shall we?
1. Most Ahead-of-Its-Time Concept:The Space Vampires by Colin Wilson. Forget about Steampunk. THIS is going to be the new trend in young adult fiction. How can it not be? I mean, the tagline reads, "A scourge of sex and death from an alien spaceship." That shit is serious! It's edgy. It's going to SELL.
Stephenie Meyer is already writing another Twilight novel set in the future wherein Bella and the Cullens pilot a spaceship and discover that vampires are actually aliens from another planet and--spoiler!--everyone on their home planet finds Bella incredibly delicious!! For realz guys, I am so not even making this up.
2. Most Obtuse Tagline:StarBridge, Book 2: Silent Dances by Kathleen O'Malley.
The tagline reads, "Welcome to StarBridge Academy...where alien contact is more than just a job--it's the future."
First, I dare you to read that out loud and make sense of it. You can't. It's impossible.
Second, we are treated to not only en Em dash but an ellipses as well. Talk about suspense--I'm hooked...aren't you?
Third, we are left with so many questions: if these people are at an academy, why do they have jobs already? And how is a job also the future? It's all so tantalizingly vague...
Fourth, why is the woman on the cover surrounded by birds???
3. Most Inexplicably Sexually Suggestive Title:The Duchess of Kneedeep by Atanielle Annyn Noelle (and yes, that IS a pseudonym. How ever did you know?)
The Duchess of KNEEDEEP?! Come on, right? I mean, RIGHT?
What's that? You don't know what "kneedeep" means? You don't even think that's physically possible by any stretch of the imagination? Well, I'm sorry but if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you. You'll find out eventually. When you're older.
4. Most Badass Title:The Cybernetic Samurai by Victor Milan.
That's right: this book has taken robots and samurai and COMBINED THEM.
I know what you're thinking, "Wait, how is that book even IN a used book store?! That would mean someone got rid of it at one time, and why would anyone ever let such a badass book go?"
And I have no answer to that question.
5. Most Unlikely to Meet Your Expectations:Farewell Horizontal by K.W. Jeter.
There is a reason that out of all the books in this post, THIS is the only one where the editors looked at each other and went, "Yep. We better add a subtitle that tells people that this is a 'science fiction novel' or else some people are going to be migh-tee disappointed."
Without reading that oh-so-helpful subtitle I'm sure that, just like me, you assumed that this book was about sleeping with someone one last time after you've decided to break up. But APPARENTLY it's a science fiction book about people who live in a cylindrical tower and never see the horizon. Or something. I don't know. I lost interest when I realized it wasn't about what I thought it was about.
And there you have it! So much pulp, so little time!