Let me start things off with a compliment, since I find that makes things a little sweeter, like taking sugar with your medicine a la Mary Poppins (which, by the way, have you watched that movie lately? I didn't remember this, but Mary is sort of a vain grouch even though she is played by the infinitely lovable Julie Andrews).
The compliment: your automated phone system was really polite. Once it had tracked my package to New York it immediately asked if I would like to speak to a representative. While this did little to set my mind at ease about the whereabouts of my package, it was the first time an automated system hasn't tried to trick me into a loophole where I either have to hit random numbers until the system transfers me to a real person out of disgust (here, you deal with this) or hangs up on me.
Follow-up compliment: the representative I spoke to was super nice, and when I relayed the above compliment to her, she was genuinely thrilled. I suspect that USPS employees do not often receive compliments. I think I have an inkling as to why.
Sadly, those compliments must be followed by a COMPLAINT.
Complaint: I ordered a book. It's entitled A Day in Fairy Land by Sigrid Rahmas. I have wanted this book for as long as I can remember. My Nana owns one copy, but this copy belonged to my aunts, and thus should be passed to my beloved cousin--that infamous lady of the high seas, Black Jack the Pirate Queen--who shares my love for this book. Thus I have taken it upon myself to acquire my own copy. I've searched for years (off and on) and recently, finally, found a copy on ebay and bought it.
It was sent from Lithuania and arrived in New York on February 17. Currently no one knows where it is. And you have informed me that the seller in Lithuania has to contact you to ask you to begin an investigation as to the package's location.
Dude, the package is in your New York International Service Center. CALL THEM. Ask Bob where the *expletive* my beloved book went. It could be sitting in a corner of his office. Why does someone else have to ask you to ask someone to find it. Getting me this package is your *expletiving* job!
It's really that simple.
For reals this is so not funny.