I woke up at 5 AM this morning from another nightmare. As soon as I opened my eyes, my brain jumped right back on its hamster wheel. I've got a lot on my brain right now (rescue dogs, new WIP, ongoing yet discouraging job search, impending doom that is turning 30--okay it's a little ways a way but I like to PLAN AHEAD). Since I couldn't sleep, I decided to entertain myself by reading my college journals. Because, you know, life was so much better then.
Except that apparently by Junior year I was already worrying about the exact same things I'm worrying about now!
On feeling guilty for writing and making way less money than Curt:
5.6.04: "It makes me feel like a free-loading loser. I know that Curt is being really supportive of my desire to be a writer, but somehow it just makes me feel worse about the whole job search."
Apparently this bothered me even before we had graduated college! I just have to remember that when you make a choice, you have to live with the consequences. I've chosen to write, so I should suck it up and write rather than waste time bemoaning my lack of funds.
3.8.04: "I want to record my latest nightmare. I've been having them for about a week straight."
I guess the nightmares are never going to stop. Bonus: they are great fodder for stories!
On Being a Writer:
8/14/03: "I bought myself The 2002 Year's Best Fantasy and Horror. It's both comforting and horrifying. So many books and authors. So many stories already told and characters already created. What do I have to give? I know there are stories in me, but I have to fight my fears in order to set them free. I live every day with a shadow skulking behind me. I have to be brave!"
Finally, this is the way I sometimes (and try to always) feel about life:
12.21.02, in the air on my way home from my semester abroad in Scotland:
"I think there will be dips and bumps along the way now as there always are. But it'll be all right. Everything works itself out in the end--just like a good story. It's just that we can't be sure when it ends and we can't skip ahead to find out. It's Christmas. And I'm going home."
I guess I still worry about the same things and cherish the same things, which I find strangely comforting.
Happy writing, to the writers. And to everyone: Happy living!