Reader, before this relationship goes any further, I fear I must tell you something: I look absolutely wretched right now. A cold has been tailing me for a few days and he just took up semi permanent residence in my aching skull. My right eye is constantly weeping and I can't stop blowing my nose.
(Editor's Note: Made my husband take this horrifying photo after I wrote this post, but then was too sick to add it until now. Lucky you.)
Therefore I have two tissues in my hands at all times: one for eyeball leakage and one for nose blowing, because I learned in elementary school not to rub mucus in my eyes.
Don't worry I'm perfectly capable of telling apart two identical damp, white, balled up tissues even when I leave them on the counter and come back to get them five minutes later.
Look, there is only a limited number of tissues here, okay? And I can't exactly drive to the store while mopping at my face can I??
Also, I've been wanting to tell you something else for a couple days but it was too gross. Yes, grosser than the electric yellow poop on my brand new sneaker. It's a giant zit and it's right at the edge of my nostril. It's one of those growths that doesn't look like a pimple at first glance (husband claims he can't see it at all--ha!) but then you start to realize that it's beginning to constrict the nostril. I've taken to imagining that the zit growth is filled with mucus, and once it pops the cold will just disappear.
So this is the most awesomely bad time for me to be blogging. Why? Because, kids, I just took Mucinex-D, which contains Sudafed! Yes! The jumpy, jittery, paranoia-inducing magical medicine (hey, you can use it to make Crystal Meth for a reason). So here I am, typing away.
Look, I don't do well with drugs. I had major mouth surgery when I was a kid and I woke up in the middle of it! All these heads were bent around me (at least that's how I remember it) and they all pulled back at once and then they gave me more sleep juice. When it was over they warned my mom that I'd be pretty groggy. She went in the room and said that I was buzzing around like I was on speed. Weeee.
And then there was the time when I had Mono and I was desperate to sleep through the pain so I tried Tylenol PM. Then my husband started reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and it all went to Hell. That first scene where Narcissa and Bellatrix go to Snape? I got freaked out and thought it was real and Curt had to calm me down and explain that it was just a story.
A story for children.
So now I'd like to take a moment to address the many and varied people who have attempted to convince me to smoke marijuana: YOU ARE WELCOME. I don't even want to think about how that would have affected me. And besides, it smells absolutely terrible.
Oh good, husband is back with supplies. Time for fresh tissues!