Friday, January 6, 2012

I Can't Wait for My New Cheekbones

Something horrifying happened yesterday.

Warning: This story contains a reference to when I had Mono. I KNOW. I never shut up about it. You'd think it was the defining moment of my life. Granted, it was really bad and not everyone can say they had Mono on their honeymoon, which makes for a great but ultimately depressing story, and I'd only been an editorial assistant for a month at the time and I was convinced they were going to fire me, and also my pee looked like blood (too far?), but...okay, I'll shut up now.  

I was talking to a woman and I said, "I had Mono in my twenties..."


Reader, I am still IN my twenties, for, like, three more WEEKS. Let's not rush things.

Basically, I always feel like I'm a year older as soon as we hit New Year's, since my birthday is only a few weeks after (Holla back, fellow Aquarians!). But that was the first time those words had passed my lips and it made me a little sad, I'm not going to lie.

Then later I went to the store with Curt and I didn't bring my purse because it is so annoying to have your purse on your shoulder shoved up over your winter coat, am I right, Ladies? I needed to buy a bottle of wine but they wouldn't let us because I didn't have my license even though CURT had his with him. And then I got really really testy and started muttering to myself about adding insult to injury, which means I'm starting to talk to myself in public.

Yesterday someone I know said, "GOD, it makes me feel old to know that you're so old."

Me too, brother. Me. Too.

Anyway, there is one bright spot in all of this, and that is that when I turn thirty, I'm going to get cheekbones!

Yep. See, way way back in 2002, when I had been a youthful, baby-faced twenty-year-old for all of five months, I was reading about Naomi Watts in People magazine's Most Beautiful issue and she said this, "I don't think I came into any attractiveness until I was in my late 20s. I had a moon face and my mum kept saying, 'Oh, your cheekbones will come,' and finally they arrived."

You can read the article here.

And I remember thinking to myself, "Oh good, that'll be my consolation prize for turning thirty. Maybe I'll finally get some visible bone structure up in this face."

The cheekbones have yet to make an appearance but I'm prit-tee sure that any day now I'm going to wake up and look like Naomi Watts and won't that be fun?



Right now I sort of hate twenty-year-old me.


  1. When you turn thirty you will magically start carrying your own purse -- it's true! Happened to me! Thirty and bam! Purse and butt sag. Please keep doing the kick-boxing to prove me wrong, ok?

  2. ps. Another reason to VISIT SOOOOOON -- we need to celebrate your birthday! BONFIRE!!!

  3. Cheekbones? Really? I want them too! I turned 30 a few months ago and am still waiting for them to arrive... maybe it has something to do with the fact that I too still get carded when I try to buy wine (and legal age here is 19). :(

  4. hahahahaahahahaahahahahahahaha

    i'm sorry i'm laughing. but clearly you have a gift for entertaining even when you're beleaguered.

  5. Anna, in that case maybe I need to start shopping for a purse that can also carry my butt since it's going to start sagging.

    Fact: During cold-induced insomnia, I was watching this workout infomercial for something called Brazilian Buttlift and I seriously almost bought it.

    Squats are good too.

    Christina, they're probably lost in the mail and will arrive any day now.

    whaddaya, I love how you always apologize for laughing at my posts/ pain. No apologies in 2012 please, especially when I write about my pee.

  6. Truth: I know someone who has that Brazilian Buttlift tape and swears by it although now that I think about it she also always wears baggy pants so I can't actually see her butt.

    IT'S ALL A LIE! Something else you'll realize when you turn 30.


  7. 30? Jenn, you are really great fun to read. My own recollections are that 30, 40 and even 50 passed without much fanfare. However, I admit that I have been gulping for just about three years now - when relating my age - DOB being 2/11/49. And you don't need no stinkin cheekbones!

    Your soon to be 63 yr.old uncle, Chris

  8. Your birthday must be about a month before mine (said the almost-leap year Pisces). But although I won't be 30 for a couple more years, I already feel like a curmudgeonly old woman.