I Must Be Wandering Again

Today I'm in the mood for something beautiful that makes me cry.



Happy Friday, Reader.

V is for...Very Dorky?

Hi, Reader. Alas, I am sick again. I haven't done much of anything the last couple of days, except watch Spring Waltz somewhat obsessively with nap breaks in between.

Please note: the show includes choice shots of Daniel Henney running, lifting weights, and COMING OUT OF THE SHOWER WITH A TOWEL ON. Yes.

Also, the other male lead, Seo Do-Young is soooo hot. Totally brooding and believable. It is AWESOME.

See? Dreamy, right?

You'd think I'd be in Heaven, but unfortunately, I'm actually super bored. No kickboxing, no writing, and no reading. Ugh. I hope I feel better tomorrow!

Last week, I was blowing through George R. R. Martin's A Storm of Swords. Then I reached 25% and hit my typical Wall (haha, get it? Like... the Wall in the books? Okay...anyway...).

I get to this point in every Martin book where I tear through the beginning and then slowly, it dawns on me: most of these people suck. They are mean, they are selfish, they make bad decisions. I know, I know, that's what makes the series so GOOD. Because the characters are so REAL.

Yeah, well. Sometimes I don't like real. Sometimes real is too real for me. I don't need to be reminded that people are selfish and mean and make bad decisions. I NEED to be reminded that they are capable of strength, resilience, kindness, forgiveness, and love.

So I'm on a Song of Ice and Fire hiatus until my curiosity takes over and I go back to those jerky, messy characters. I can't stay away forever.



Finally, last night I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation with Curt. It goes without saying that both of us watched the show when we were kids. Also I wanted to be Captain Picard and even had his action figure until I got a little older and decided I had to be a girl character (wah waaah) so I was forever stuck between Crusher and Troi. 

So, we're watching episode 69 which is called "Hollow Pursuits" and aired in 1990 (yes, I had to look that up). It's the first Barclay episode (groan) and there's a lot of creepy holodeck stuff going on, including one scene in which Barclay fights the Three Musketeers (Picard, Data, and La Forge). And in which Data looks like this:

Which made me wonder if this episode was actually the inspiration for V in V is for Vendetta (it's the gleaming, creepy skin tone in particular, I think):

 That's it, you guys. After three days of doing almost nothing, my big thoughts are: 1. Daniel Henney is hot, 2. Seo Do-Young is also hot, and 3. Data dressed as a Musketeer = V.

And my brain power is all used up. Back to brain mush for me. Time for more tea, toast, and Spring Waltz...

Totoro!

It's another beautiful day!

I'm writing and making steady if not exactly swift progress on my novel. My goal is to get to the final scene or place or whatever you want to call it, by the end of the week. Of course a lot will need to happen at that place but the characters won't be traveling anywhere else before the story ends. I find that I work in chunks by location, for some reason.

Probably because of the lovely weather, I'm having a Totoro kind of day! I'm listening to "The Wind Forest" by Mari Fujiwara (originally composed by Joe Hisaishi for "My Neighbor Totoro") on a loop while I write.


In that spirit, here are some Totoro images I gathered from the internet:

A still from the movie

Wallpaper designed by flyindreams (source)

Totoro and friends print by Munieca (for sale here)

"Totoro Noir" by Ppdm (source)

Totoro by Azertip (source)

Several images from the Totoro Forest Project

If you find yourself in a Totoro mood as well, then the first thing you should do is go for a walk!

But once you've come home again and had a snack, check out the gallery of images from the Totoro Forest Project, which was a fundraiser/ auction in 2008-2009  to support the non-profit organization, "Totoro No Furusato National Fund." You can learn more about the project here.

Like Wheat Arising Green

It's the first day of Spring. The air is sweet, the breeze is warm, and I have "Now the Green Blade Rises" in my head.

I got the chance to play the song for Easter service once, back when I was in high school. However, I think the song, which I find eerily beautiful, is better suited to guitar and voice than to the brightness of a silver trumpet.

This version is by the Smoke Fairies.



Happy Spring!

Spring Restlessness

Well, for starters, I could get to finishing that novel...(every day I get closer!!)

I already reorganized my closet, put away some winter clothes, and began the long, arduous journey that is reading a George R. R. Martin novel (#3 in Song of Ice and Fire, if you're wondering).

Spring makes me want to run around, to wander somewhere, to just smell the earth. The windows are flung open. I will write and reward myself with a walk.

How are you going to celebrate the First Day of Spring?

Also, I think my little gremlin is getting bigger.

Writing is Lonely

Reader, it has occurred to me that I am lonely. Really really lonely.

I'm tired of feeling like my writing is supposed to be both my super fulfilling job and my fun weekend activity. I've decided that just because I'm not thrilled to spend Friday evening or Saturday afternoon writing—not because I chose to but because I have nothing else to do—doesn't make me any less of a writer.

I think it just makes me human.

I know writers are always talking about how they fantasize about being all alone, in a Rapunzel-like tower far away where they could just write and write and write in blissful solitude.

I don't think anyone really wants this. Being alone is lonely. Trust me. And I don't write just because I love words, I write because I want to share stories with other people. Otherwise I would just spend the rest of my life reading.

Swap out writing for reading in that Rapunzel tower fantasy and it starts to make a lot more sense to me. Then again, whenever I finished a book I would want to talk about it with someone. Isn't that the second best part of reading a book? So even reading in total solitude doesn't appeal to me all that much.

The point is: we need people. At least, I do. Maybe it's partially because I'm a twin. There's never been a moment in my life when I was totally alone. I'm happiest in a room or house full of people. It's best if they mostly leave me alone. I just want them near me. But I don't have that right now.

So, what am I going to do about it?

Well, I'm not just going to mope around. I'm not exactly sure what to do, but I'm going to start giving some things a try. For starters I joined the Maine Writers and Publishers Association and I reached out to a poster on the MWPA forum who is looking to start a SciFi/Fantasy writers collective.

It's not easy to put yourself out there but considering that no one has come knocking on my door in the last eight months since I moved to Maine asking to be my friend, I really don't have any other choice.

Here's to small victories on a rainy Friday afternoon. And here's to remembering that sometimes the problem isn't what we're doing or where we're going, it's something else entirely. Like loneliness. Naming the problem is a powerful thing. The first step towards conquering it.

A Week, a week, a regular week...

Hello, Reader. How are you this Friday morning? It's gloomy here. The light is cold and distant. I'm comforted by the knowledge that were I to open the windows, I might catch the scent of spring on the air.

Poor Winter didn't have a long reign this year.

Mostly this week I've been doubting myself again—what I'm doing, where I'm going, and where I belong. You know that saying, "Home is where the heart is?" Well, I'm not sure I entirely agree. I really crave a touchstone, a place where I can walk and feel solid again. I still don't feel like I have that in Maine. The campus is not "mine" anymore, not in the way it was when I was a student. My hometown no longer feels like its mine, neither does the Vermont town where I lived for almost two years. And Boston never really felt like home. I'm not good at wandering. I want a place to call my own.

Today I'm missing Stirling, Scotland. The weather is perfect for a loch walk around Loch Airthrey on Stirling University campus. I miss those trees. And also the swans, though the swans were somewhat terrifying.

 Source

That hill in the distance is called Dumyat. I used to stare at it and imagine standing at the top, feeling the wind and looking down at everything. Someday, I will.

But it's just a regular week, neither good nor bad. I'm writing. I'm moving forward with my novel. I want to finish soon. I won't finish as soon as I'd like. I'm drinking coffee. I'm kickboxing. I'm once again fantasizing about having a dog to take on walks and to keep me company while I sit at the computer.

For now my characters will keep my company. I wish I really believed that. Some writers do. I think what happens to me is that sometimes when I'm really in the middle of writing, I lose myself. I fall away and it's just the story.

Wishing you hot tea and spring rain, good books and long walks, sweet dreams and happy Friday.

He Followed Me Home

Marianne Review: Paranormalcy

Today I read Paranormalcy by Kiersten White.

As in, I bought the book this weekend at the absolutely gorgeous bookstore R.J. Julia's in Madison, CT, read the first chapter on Sunday, then cracked it open today after lunch and finished it in a few hours.

Another binge read complete. If I had another book handy, I wouldn't even be blogging right now. Sick.

Anyway, how'd I like the book? I liked it! I liked it more than I expected.

Here are the things I liked:

1. General World Concept: government agency contains paranormal creatures who exist secretly in the regular world. It's like that episode of BTVS with Riley. I liked it. It was nice to have a protagonist on the inside who was also outside in a lot of ways.

2. Focus of the story is on the protagonist Evie's journey to learning more about herself, her past, and the world around her NOT on the romance, which is sweet and natural and definitely not the axis on which everything revolves

3. Ash-like Love Triangle: Much like Malinda Lo's novel Ash, there is a faerie who creates a certain love triangle dynamic but the faerie relationship is complicated and not necessarily romantic.

4. Girl Friendships: Granted, Evie's friendship with mermaid Lish was entirely one-sided, but still it was there. And two other friendships are introduced before the end of the story. Girl Power!

5. Story Scale: The scale was small enough to be contained in one book, and satisfying enough that I don't have to read the continuing books in the series if I don't want to, but the scale was also just large enough (with hints at it being even larger) to make me feel like this story was Important.

6. Parents and Parental Figures: They do exist! And sometimes they help and sometimes they don't.

Here are the things I didn't like so much:

1. Old fashioned cursing: White does invent a cute way to introduce "What the bleep" into the novel, but used it more than I would have liked. Unfortunately she also had Evie say things like "Oh Heavens!" which I find patently ridiculous. This girl spends her days surrounded by government personnel. You really expect me to believe that they didn't teach her any interesting swear words?? I don't have a problem with an author not wanting to put swear words in his/her writing, but don't shove outdated, anachronistic phrases in the protagonist's mouth instead. It's jarring and silly.

2. Pink: Evie loves pink but guess what? She's also a capable young woman. She is girly and capable. How refreshing you guys! She's like EVERY OTHER GIRL POWER HEROINE EVER. I was totally on board with Evie's soap opera obsession (totally legit for any teen, and her in particular) as well as her excitement over prom dresses. But the pink overload felt really forced to me and induced more than a few eye rolls on my part.

3. I didn't find all the "wit" to be that witty. Am I just being super picky in that regard?

Anyone else out there read the book? I wouldn't say I'm compelled to keep reading about Evie, though I think I'd be more into it if I knew that Vivian was going to appear again, in a more complex, nuanced way. I would totally recommend this to YA Fantasy fans and anyone who liked Buffy.

Also, if you liked Paranormalcy, you should TOTALLY read Karen Marie Moning's Fever Series. Evie and the Fever series heroine Mac have a lot in common. They are both blonde and bubbly, love pink, love weapons when they are pink and sparkly, are determined to remain cheerful despite discouraging circumstances, and also they both love pink.

Hair, Henney...Holla!

(Re: the title of this post, I couldn't come up with another "h" word. So holla back, Reader!)

There are lots of things knocking around in my head today. I'll just try and touch on a couple because I'm running late and it's so beautiful out today and I keep getting distracted. That's my little public service announcement to say that these idea cookies are not fully baked so please eat with caution.

This is all going to revolve around issues of race and storytelling, I'll just say that upfront.

Thought 1: Daniel Henney's Career:
So on Saturday I was writing all day and when I needed a break I decided to watch a Korean show called Spring Waltz because one of the stars is my beloved Daniel Henney and also it is streaming on Netflix. I was so excited. I honestly don't get all crushy on stars that often. I really need to know the person's personality before I can truly find them attractive.

Daniel Henney is my one major exception. He is...gorgeous. His charm oozes out of every photo. It's insane how beautiful he is.

"Oh, hey. My name is Daniel."

 

Anyway, I'm watching this show and I find that I don't really like Daniel in it all that much. I like the other male lead better (who, as it so happens, is ALSO SUPER HOT). And, come to think of it, in the Korean movie I watched in chunks on YouTube (a testament to my Daniel Devotion), I didn't really like Daniel all that much either despite him being the original motivation for me watching it at all.

Dear. Lord.

 

I think I know what my problem is: Daniel is AMERICAN. And it's so obvious. He really is American. For those of you who don't know, Daniel was born in Michigan to a Korean American mother and British American father. Yet despite a few blips in the US (aka him being the only good thing about Wolverine), his career is firmly entrenched in South Korea.

But he is American. He is completely and totally American. It's so obvious to me. In the few Korean shows/ movies in which I've seen him, he always seems inexplicably out of place. He seems SO cocky, arrogant even. Yet in interviews and photos he is nothing but irresistibly charming.

And I think the reason is that he should be cast as the lead in American films, playing an American. Of course, that is unlikely to happen right now because unless a character is written to be Asian American, a Caucasian gets cast. White is the default. And it sucks. It's not fair, it's stupid, it's narrow-minded, and it's depriving women across the country from more Daniel Henney.

When will casting directors start casting minorities in non-racially specific roles?? I wish they'd start yesterday.


Thought 2: Diversity in YA


There is an ongoing dialogue regarding race and stories, particularly in YA at the moment.

[Ello Oh blogged about it yesterday, click here to catch up on the conversation]

Basically what this boils down to is there is not enough diversity in YA (we'll narrow the field to YA for the sake of sanity), whether in the characters themselves or in the way non-racially-specific characters are depicted, that being white. And then of course there's cover whitewashing, when books specifically featuring nonwhite protagonists STILL end up with a cover image that depicts a Caucasian person instead.

Cover whitewashing is the simplest issue because it's just blatantly stupid. There's no argument here in favor of whitewashing. This is a problem that needs to change but it WILL change, as long as you and me and him keep speaking out against it.

It's the lack of diversity that gets more complicated. One of the suggested solutions to this knotted mess is that white writers include more racially diverse characters in their books. Great. Awesome! I want to do this. I AM doing this. I don't feel the need to advertise it because it seems pretty simple and natural to me.

Interestingly enough, I do not and have not specified the race of my protagonist, Maggie. I want her to be a mashup, a mutt. I don't want to define her. Will I be penalized for that?


Thought 3: The Dangerous Language of Hair

What I find myself struggling with often is HOW to suggest that a character is not white without being super awkward like "She looked Asian American." Um, that's weird and distracting. But I could say, "he had glossy black hair and pale skin," and be describing an Asian American. Then again, the character could just be a white person with black hair, like my husband.

Sometimes I think this is the problem, too. That people jump to the assumption that a character is white unless it's otherwise specified but then they get uncomfortable when told the character's race. And the thing is, my characters who are racially diverse are diverse just BECAUSE. There's no better reason for it than I pictured them that way. That's okay, isn't it? Shouldn't that be encouraged?

So what do you do? And more importantly to me, how do you describe the hair?

I have a character in my novel who has an afro. I picture her very much like this actress, Yara Shahidi.

Actress Yara Shahidi with her beautiful hair

My character has what you might describe as "nappy hair." But can I say that in my story? Nappy can be seen as a negative word. You can read a brief, interesting article about the history of the word by a professor of Sociology at Boston College here.

But IS there another word to describe that type of hair? Kinky doesn't seem like an appropriate word either. If there's no language to describe it, then how can we talk and write about it, even in a positive way, just to say, this is what a character looks like?

***
Pertinent Side Story: the other night in kickboxing class, I was complimenting a fellow kickboxer on her gorgeous curly hair. It's usually straight. Of course she has to straighten it. She looks like she's either part African American or maybe Dominican. She has that texture in her hair. Anyway, I complimented her on the curls (She had it pulled up with a purple headband to work out. If the headband had been gold, she seriously would have looked like a goddess. Effortlessly beautiful).

She mentioned that she usually straightens it and that straightening can last a week, which didn't faze me at all but she hastened to add a little defensively, "My hair's not like your hair. Your hair gets oily after a couple days but mine gets too dry if I wash it too much."

I didn't know how to respond. Of course I knew this already. I also know that I am half Italian, half mishmash European and my hair can go at least three days without being washed as long as I don't go for a run while my twin sister has to wash hers every night. So personally I was a little frustrated that she assumed all Caucasian hair was the same. I was also sad that she felt she had to explain herself, as if I was going to assume that she was dirty for not washing her hair as often as some girls with finer hair.
***

Anyway all this has been knocking around my head because I want to know what words describe hair textures that are acceptable? Nnedi Okorafor uses words like dada to describe dreads in her books and other descriptive terms for other types of African hair. But those are African words. I can't use that, can I? No one would know what I was talking about.

ARE there any safe words for hair? Hair is so tangled (PUN INTENDED high five!) in racial ideas of beauty. Maybe if we had the words to identify the beautiful differences, it would be a step in the right direction. It would certainly make it easier for me as a writer to tell readers that I picture a certain character as African American or South Asian or whatever.

And while we're on the subject, is "almond eyes" enough of a hint that a character is Asian? Is it insulting? Because one of my main characters is half Japanese and I want him to be pictured that way. But what are the words I can use and should use?

It's easy to get so scared of using the wrong words, that I don't want to use any at all. But you know what happens then?

Then everyone will assume that Adder and Anise and King Azuralious are all white. And they aren't. They just aren't.

My Aloysius

Oh, Reader. You MUST check out this Tumblr called My Aloysius.

It's apparently by a woman in Denmark and it's the most beautiful compilation of images. I could spend all day looking through the archives.

Doesn't it just make you so grateful to know that there are people out there, just gathering beauty as if it were little red berries in the dead of winter, and that they generously share it with all of us?

Unspooling

The ongoing problem with my novel has been that I knew where the story was going to end but not how it would get there or why or how long it would take.

Just a couple of weeks ago I was visiting a friend and she asked how the writing was going. I thought I had made some really great headway, and started babbling about the plot. On and on. Finally she just nodded and said brightly, "Well, I think it's great you don't know what's going to happen!"

Hmm. It didn't sound so great to me. I had just come so far in the last few days! I had fleshed out so much! Had she been listening to all the complex ways in which I was trying to work everything out? Or about all of my half-baked ideas?? Apparently not. If she had, surely she would have been more impressed.

Right?

RIGHT??

It worried me. I'd been rewriting this novel since last January. I should have known by now how it ends. But I didn't. Like I said, I knew where it ended. I knew the major players. And my brain kept tossing in random suggestions like, "You should bring back someone from earlier in the novel!" And I'd say, "Why?" And my brain would just shrug and make a snide comment about how I wasn't doing my share of the work.

Weeks and weeks ago, my beta had kindly and accurately accused me of stalling. She pointed out that I was slowing down because I was afraid of the ending. She was right.

Just yesterday I announced to Curt that I was going to set a deadline and then I was going to chart out word goals and corresponding rewards because I had lost that sense of urgency, that feeling that there was anyone, anywhere, who cared at all about this story being told.

I was beginning to wonder if I still cared.

And then, last night while I was lying in bed and unable to sleep, I had an idea.

It began with a somewhat inconvenient obstacle for Maggie & Co. but it was snappy and it made me smile in the dark. I wrote some perfect (they are always perfect in the dark with no paper proof) sentences in my head and when I finally acknowledged that I wasn't going to remember all of this in the morning, I got up and wrote it down. I had a couple more ideas. Great!

I came back to bed with the notebook—just in case.

The ideas kept coming. I didn't want to turn on the light or get up again, so I wrote in the dark, just a few words per page in the hopes that I'd be able to read it all in the morning.

But it all just kept unspooling, like a shining gold ribbon revealing itself to me, at last. I have read interviews wherein writers talk about The Unspooling, a moment when everything comes together and it all makes sense and you feel a sense of calm and rightness.

Of course, that sort of writing magic never happened to me. So I had filed it under Possible Evidence to Prove I am Not Meant to Be a Writer and forgot about it.

Last night, The Unspooling finally happened to me.

I feel really good. So good that I almost don't want to open my notebook and realize that the sparkling brilliance I wrote last night is in fact a handful of rough ideas that are going to require months of work to polish into something that shines.

Even so, it really did feel like magic.

For once in the last several months, I stopped beating myself up for being slow, or lazy, or easily distracted.

 Illustration by Edward Gorey

Just this once, in the middle of a snowstorm last night, beneath a pink sky in a creaking old house, I thought to myself, "Maybe I was just spinning straw all this time and finally—FINALLY—I've figured out how to make gold."

Sippin' Earl Grey

I have Saturday to myself for writing. It snowed but now it's raining and sort of gross out, which I guess is a good thing because I have nowhere to go.

I do wish I had coffee and maybe more focus. Alas. We shall all make do with some Earl Grey tea and this awesome rap about Downton Abbey by a guy named Adam Warrock.

Ch-ch-check it out, Downton fans...

Magical Link

Happy Weekend!