Friday, July 15, 2011

Tales From the Used Book Store: The Religion Section

Yesterday I worked at the used book store. I decided to work in the Technically-Called-Religion-But-Really-Just-Christian-Section. I walked into the aisle, and saw this:Yes. Garlic.

Someone actually went to the trouble of buying a head of garlic, peeling it open, and leaving it on a shelf. It was across from the Bibles.

(Pause for laughter)

Sorry, but every time I think about this I remember in True Blood/ The Sookie Stackhouse books when Sookie's brother is telling all the crazy Christians that Jesus might have been a vampire because he made his disciples drink his blood and then he rose from the dead. (Which is GENIUS by the way.)

We may never know WHAT the garlic was for, but it DOES explain why the back of the store has been smelling like bad sandwiches recently.

***And Now For A Brief Poltergeistian Interlude***

For those concerned, I also don't think it had anything to do with our bookstore ghost. He's usually in the next row over. Speaking of him, I haven't seen him out of the corner of my eye in ages and neither has Barbara, so I'm afraid he might have moved on. I hope I didn't drive him away by talking about him or because I was reorganizing the Business books in his corner.

***Here Endeth Said Poltergeistian Interlude***

The store is in the process of moving, so we're trying to cull the good books to be sent to the new store and leave behind the not-so-good ones to be put on super sale and/ or never seen again.

What's that, my soft-hearted, book-loving Reader? You think all books deserve to be someone, at least, if not you? Well then consider these Religion books to be my counter argument.

Exhibit A:
I love how the ape is drawn like a red-nosed lush with anger management issues, as if this is going to prove how NOT like apes we are when in fact it's convincing me that we are. Both of them are looking at each other like, "Bitch, please. We are nothing alike." Riiiiight.

In fact, maybe the cover art illustrator was an Anthropology/ Art double major and only took the job so she could design the cover as a big FU to the author.

For even greater enjoyment, check out the lone Amazon book review for this little 1976 gem. Not only did reviewer Jani7za lavish the book with 5 stars, she also comments:

"It's just old slue foot misleading the human race again, not wanting them to accept creation and the truth in the bible. He is a liar and a deceiver. Harold Hill speaks with great conviction and truth. As someone once said to me, 'God created man in his image, and God is no monkey'."

From now on I'm totally going to refer to the Devil as "Old Slue Foot." It makes him sound like some crazy great uncle of mine with an unfortunate foot fungus.

Exhibit B:
I think it's safe to say that this book is out of date. I wonder if Hal was disappointed. I like that the cover design looks like a countdown to Armageddon itself and leads us to....Hal, the author!

I'm seeing a pattern with the cover art here. Maybe these designers are trying to communicate to us. This one is saying, "This author is CRAZY." And also, "This cover design took me less than FIVE MINUTES!"

Exhibit C:
Just, you know. For those of you who were wondering: The Conversion will come. Trust.

Exhibit D:
I can't tell you how relieved I was when I saw this book. I thought God only cared about the Beautiful People (Mary 1 and 2, King David, etc) but apparently there is some doom and gloom awaiting the rest of us as well. Hallelujah?

Exhibit E:
I hardly need to say anything about this one, do I? If I was in court I could just hold the book up and go, "Right? RIGHT?"

How depressing that this book and the evolution book would probably be considered timely reads by so many people in Congress.

I think I rest my case.

To end on a happier note, here's one book I found that I actually liked--though not because I wanted to read it necessarily:I think the image is supposed to symbolize the imagination! Wouldn't that make an awesome tattoo??


  1. LMAO!! Old Slue Foot is dancing with glee that these books will be purged from our sight.

    I would actually get the ape v. man as a tattoo...just saying.

  2. Yeah, Old Uncle Slue Foot is SUCH a discerning reader.

    Hannah, good choice. In fact, this post is FULL of tattoo possibilities. I'm currently also considering "God is no monkey."

  3. you really outdid yourself with this blog post. it's got at least six different kinds of awesome in it. that must be exhausting.

  4. And the award for Best Comment Ever goes to...

    (I'm glad I have something to show for a day in the crazy section.)

  5. I JUST realized that instead of Poltergeistian Interlude I wrote Polytheistic. I don't know if that was spellcheck or some Freudian slip but it's hilarious. This post has a mind of its own.

  6. Hannah sent me over here. I also worked in a used bookstore AND am a twin! Are...are we the same person...?!

  7. Sarah, welcome and wow! It sounds like we MUST be the same person. We sure are awesome, aren't we?

  8. OML, how I'm going to miss you. I'll never be able to come close to your eye for books. (how do I make teardrops in type?)