Tales From the Used Book Store: The Religion Section

Yesterday I worked at the used book store. I decided to work in the Technically-Called-Religion-But-Really-Just-Christian-Section. I walked into the aisle, and saw this:Yes. Garlic.

Someone actually went to the trouble of buying a head of garlic, peeling it open, and leaving it on a shelf. It was across from the Bibles.

(Pause for laughter)

Sorry, but every time I think about this I remember in True Blood/ The Sookie Stackhouse books when Sookie's brother is telling all the crazy Christians that Jesus might have been a vampire because he made his disciples drink his blood and then he rose from the dead. (Which is GENIUS by the way.)

We may never know WHAT the garlic was for, but it DOES explain why the back of the store has been smelling like bad sandwiches recently.



***And Now For A Brief Poltergeistian Interlude***

For those concerned, I also don't think it had anything to do with our bookstore ghost. He's usually in the next row over. Speaking of him, I haven't seen him out of the corner of my eye in ages and neither has Barbara, so I'm afraid he might have moved on. I hope I didn't drive him away by talking about him or because I was reorganizing the Business books in his corner.

***Here Endeth Said Poltergeistian Interlude***



The store is in the process of moving, so we're trying to cull the good books to be sent to the new store and leave behind the not-so-good ones to be put on super sale and/ or never seen again.

What's that, my soft-hearted, book-loving Reader? You think all books deserve to be read...by someone, at least, if not you? Well then consider these Religion books to be my counter argument.

Exhibit A:
I love how the ape is drawn like a red-nosed lush with anger management issues, as if this is going to prove how NOT like apes we are when in fact it's convincing me that we are. Both of them are looking at each other like, "Bitch, please. We are nothing alike." Riiiiight.

In fact, maybe the cover art illustrator was an Anthropology/ Art double major and only took the job so she could design the cover as a big FU to the author.

For even greater enjoyment, check out the lone Amazon book review for this little 1976 gem. Not only did reviewer Jani7za lavish the book with 5 stars, she also comments:

"It's just old slue foot misleading the human race again, not wanting them to accept creation and the truth in the bible. He is a liar and a deceiver. Harold Hill speaks with great conviction and truth. As someone once said to me, 'God created man in his image, and God is no monkey'."

From now on I'm totally going to refer to the Devil as "Old Slue Foot." It makes him sound like some crazy great uncle of mine with an unfortunate foot fungus.



Exhibit B:
I think it's safe to say that this book is out of date. I wonder if Hal was disappointed. I like that the cover design looks like a countdown to Armageddon itself and leads us to....Hal, the author!

I'm seeing a pattern with the cover art here. Maybe these designers are trying to communicate to us. This one is saying, "This author is CRAZY." And also, "This cover design took me less than FIVE MINUTES!"



Exhibit C:
Just, you know. For those of you who were wondering: The Conversion will come. Trust.



Exhibit D:
I can't tell you how relieved I was when I saw this book. I thought God only cared about the Beautiful People (Mary 1 and 2, King David, etc) but apparently there is some doom and gloom awaiting the rest of us as well. Hallelujah?



Exhibit E:
I hardly need to say anything about this one, do I? If I was in court I could just hold the book up and go, "Right? RIGHT?"

How depressing that this book and the evolution book would probably be considered timely reads by so many people in Congress.

I think I rest my case.

To end on a happier note, here's one book I found that I actually liked--though not because I wanted to read it necessarily:I think the image is supposed to symbolize the imagination! Wouldn't that make an awesome tattoo??

Darkling: Dirty Bit

Bad news, kiddies: Darkling is not the greatest book I've ever forgotten about from my youth. Most notably, the main character was like a horse-loving Bella Swan in training. She has low self esteem (though the author informs us that she remains a slender 112 lbs exactly no matter what she eats. What a relief). Also she has seemingly no ambition and at the end of the novel is left with neither the guy nor the horse. Yeesh.

Looking back, the sex scene was actually pretty realistic. Basically it's quick and not all that great. This, we are told, is because they're both virgins and don't have any idea what they're doing. In fact, Jenny, the protagonist describes herself as a "hopeless virgin" whatever that means. The term strikes me as both disturbing and humorous, particularly since Jenny goes on to express her sympathy for guys, "not knowing [they] could until [they] tried."

Oh, JENNY. I realize that being understanding and just sort of hanging around are your two major characteristics but still, you don't need to be quite this understanding. Guys do just fine and I doubt they ever wonder whether or not they can actually DO IT or not, they just want to practice as much as possible. You are really making a play for Bella Swan of 1989, aren't you?

As far as YA sex goes, this scene was pretty understated (no pillow biting, for example). There's even an oblique reference to condoms, which totally went over my head at the time.

Note: I was just going to quote the two condom-related lines, but I think you deserve more than that. I couldn't resist at least one parenthetical comment--anything in parentheses is from me not the author K. M. Peyton.

"I've got to put this bloody thing on--"
"Yes." Of course, but she had forgotten all about it. (Tsk tsk!)
"Oh Jenny, now, now--"
He lay over her and put his face down into hers. She opened herself up to him and lay startled by his force and the primeval (PRIMEVAL!) directness of the operation.

Okay. Wow, right? I don't remember when I read this book, but it was during my Girls Love Horses phase, so I'm guessing around fifth grade. As far as I remember, this is the only book I read with a sex scene other than my aunt's romance novel,which you may recall from my previous post (linked to, if you need a refresher) and which was more effective than health class in convincing me to practice abstinence for as long as possible, preferably into old age, really.

So what did I know about sex when I was going through puberty? Or rather, what did I think I knew? That it's primeval and that body parts got encrusted with blood. All in all, a pretty violent spectacle, don't you think? This explains a lot about my teenage years.

Used book stores = cheaper than therapy.