Hey there, Reader. I feel like I've been majorly remiss in blogging lately. I still owe you countless book reviews and a giveaway. I think it's hard for me to prioritize all of that when I don't really think anyone is reading.
Not to guilt trip you, Reader. I'm just saying. I mean, honestly, does anyone out there REALLY care if I tell you what I thought of this or that book?
I feel like as a freelancer so much of my time is spent on things with no clear, immediate payoff. It doesn't bother me for a while because my brain is always vomiting up ideas and I like to be busy but then the flip will switch and I'll feel very and vaguely resentful.
In other news, I'm now an Adjunct Admissions Reader for Bates College. Huzzah! But for the last couple weeks I've been training and trying to get the hang of it, and I am so impatient. I don't want to learn how to do it. I want to already know how to do it perfectly. In fact, I want to know how to do it The Best. I have to be The Best Admissions Reader that ever did read for Bates, otherwise what's the point?
No, I'm totally not competitive. Not at all.
This is a transition period. I was told that I'd be working 30 hours a week but I don't know if that starts now or in the New Year. There are many reading periods—early decision 1 and 2 for example. Also last week they asked me if I'd be available for more than 30 hours. Immediately the overachiever in me was nodding. "Oh definitely. Sure. Whatever you want! I'm here to support you!"
I disgust myself sometimes. It's a wonder I'm still making time for my writing AT ALL. I should probably give myself credit for that, but you know me. Until the novel is finished and sold in an epic three book throwdown deal in which the agents must fight to the death like in The Hunger Games and the book is a bestseller before it's even released...only THEN will these years and years of hard work "count."
I don't know who's doing the counting. No, wait, yes I do. NO ONE. No one is counting. No one is grading me. No one except me.
Life is a balancing act. And there's no Dean's List, no Phi Beta Kappa of Living. There's no way to do it perfectly. The only way to make it count is by being a good person and by living your life the way you want. I know this but sometimes....sometimes I forget.
I am right there with you with...everything. Okay, not the Admissions Reader part, switch that with sleep-deprived English instructor, but everything else. The blogging, the 'this may take up more of your time than you thought' job, the competitiveness with yourself, the finding time to write, and it doesn't count until you have that book deal. ~raises hand~ I hear you.
ReplyDeleteNothing I can do to change it for you, but just so you know you aren't alone. (And when I finish this story idea for a Sleeping Beauty retelling, I'll send it your way if you want.)
Thanks, Sabrina. It always makes me feel worlds better when someone else says, "Yep, I've been there. Hell, I'm there right now!! Let's get coffee."
ReplyDeleteDefinitely send me the story when you're done. I've got a short story on my shelf I need to get back to. Maybe we could swap!
Reckless accusations!!! Here we are!!
ReplyDeleteHaha I totally feel the same way sometimes. Lately I've only been bothering to blog when something occurs to me that I want to write down even if no one reads it.
Also, you're adorable when you get all competitive.